Your April Fools present: the 2016 Colombia Daily Spectador.
HOT OFF THE PRESS
Panic struck the Barnard campus this week when Maggie the Magnolia did not bloom on schedule.
"They are dangerous, foreign, radical killers."
Incredible: Clinton earned the votes of a group as large as the season finale audience of The Walking Dead.
Congressional Republicans are fighting a last-minute amendment requiring gun owners to also "cross their hearts."
Learn from Columbia's wisest degenerates.
"We're just asking you to divert your $60,000 per year towards rent."
"It seems like just yesterday I was telling all of my 424 LinkedIn connections that I had gotten a job at Morgan Stanley."
Welcome to SUNY MoHi.
LATEST ON THE FEED
"Nine dollars for a hot dog? What am I, the one percent?"
It was widely hailed as one of the most heartfelt moments of the convention thus far.
No one was prepared for the full-frontal shot.
With no copy/paste option at his disposal, Clinton worries he'll have to draw from his own experiences.
He drives a hard bargain.
"You can't honestly expected me to distinguish Chris Christie from any other blob of pink penisey meat."
Eyewitnesses claim that Cameron also stopped by the kitchen to swipe several croissants "for the road."
Asked to respond to these comments, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) nervously laughed for 25 seconds.
She kept the MetroCard as a souvenir.
"I will not stop fighting until honeydew achieves equality in this country."
The lucky hot dog will live out the rest of his shelf life in a refrigerator on a farm in rural Connecticut.
The nineteenth century beckons as Europe marches boldly into the future.
"Finally, I have the chance to tank a discussion that isn't part of CC with my banal, rambling comments."