NEW HAVEN, CT - This morning, New Haven saw the unveiling of the "Privilege Accelerator," a $5.4 billion dollar device housed underneath the Ethnic Studies department of Yale University. The device slams philosophy texts or white people, depending on the experiment, into each other at nearly the speed of Internet outrage - four times the speed of light.

Ambitious research teams at Yale are searching for the holy grail of the Standard Model of Justice: a form of “Quantum Privilege,” where anyone can be either privileged or an oppressor depending on how convenient it is for the activist lecturing them.

The first set of experiments will explore the “privilege particle.” “These ‘photons’ just bounce off the privileged but impress themselves upon the subaltern. They have also led to a discursive bias towards favoring daytime and the brightness of the sun,” one researcher explained.